Circa 2019: People are casting canned food out of their synagogues.
Chef Boyardee, a revolutionary, will stop at nothing until pasta is brought back to the people.
“I remember the first time I dipped my big toe in a can of the Chef’s famous Beefaroni — that’s when I finally understood why God put me on this miserable Earth, and I’ve been a Raviolite ever since.”
-Robert De Niro
discussing why he sneezes on children in public restrooms.
“I’ve always secretly suspected that my real mother was a sentient ravioli, which would explain why she’s never loved me as much as she loves herself.”
on why he doesn’t like to go home for the weekend.
“chef boyardee is my favorate and Im 53 years old,,,,chef boyardee helped out in WW2,,,,he was the largest food ration packer for our troops and the allies,,,,he even had complete control over everything that went into his products,,,he even grew his own mushrooms in the basement of his own factory,,,,”
addressing his sexuality
“When I started drumming for the Red Hot Chili Peppers I would keep a hot can of Chef Boyardee between my legs during every gig, along with some heat resistant gel, of course. We did wonderful things together, the Chef and I. Wonderful things.
on his favorite afternoon snack
“I think the first time I ever truly loved myself was when I saw an animatronic Chef Boyardee singing ‘It’s A Small World’ behind a Wal-Mart dumpster in Irvine. That experience infused me with the winsome braggadocio that’s made me who I am today.”
explaining why Arrested Development takes place in Orange County
“A friend. A father. A fighter. The Chef is not a person — the Chef is an ideal. The Chef is the future. Raviolites, unite!”
- Media intern
discussing the advantages of not being on the payroll
OUT OF HOME:
Undercover vigilantes put up posters all over downtown Portland (home of KFC’s advertising sweatshop)
Down with Colonel Sanders, buckets are for the bourgeois.
Copy/Song Creator: Jagger Moore
Art/Director/Editing: James Kunzler